I am working on an article that will deal with many aspects of loneliness in the community. The material below should be considered a draft of a work in progress. It is the first part of the study. I will still need to do a lot more research. Please give me ideas, comments and stories.
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Loneliness
and The Jewish Community
By Daniel D.
Stuhlman (MS LS, MHL, DHL)
אלקים ברא אתו זכר ונקבה
ברא אתם. ויברך אתם אלקים ... פרו ורבו מלאו את הארץ
God created people both male and together. God blessed them and said be
fruitful and multiply.
Genesis 1:27-28
לא טוב היות האדם
לבדו אעשה לו עזר כנגדו
It is not good that the man (Adam) should be alone. I will create a helpmate (a partner) for him.
Genesis 2:18
The book of Genesis in the two stories of creation recognizes the need for
companionship and partnership to make this world work. A man by himself is not complete. Together men and women are partners in first
commandment to be fruitful and multiply.
The people are created to continue the Divine creation of the world.
It is no small wonder that we have a society based on community. In order
to have a society people have to learn to give up part of the self to gain the greater
benefits of partnerships and community. No
one person can do everything. The Torah starts
us thinking about society, but reality hits us saying that people have a hard
time peacefully working together. In
Devarim 48:18, Moshe appoints judges and officers to administer and adjudicate civil
laws and resolve disagreements. God’s plan is for a society, not loneliness. Mankind is made to be social, but finding
partnerships is hard work. Why then are people
lonely? Why do some people feel left out?
This article will attempt to explain what loneliness is, describe the types
of loneliness in the community and attempt to present ideas on how to help people
less lonely and more connected to partners and communities.
Here’s a list
of events that I attended in the past couple of weeks, a wedding, brit
milah celebrations, bar/bat mitzvah celebrations, shevah brachot, and Shabbat meals. All of these have family orientation in
common. Our community is great for sharing happy and family events. We also share sad events such as funerals and
remembering those we have lost. That is
the situation. Not everyone has a happy
family to share time with. Not everyone has
a partner or family support system. The synagogue and community events are often
family events or perceived by singles as family events. Singles (never married), divorced, widowed,
newcomers to the community, empty nesters are all subject to loneliness. Even married
people can feel lonely. People who have
active families and are involved with the community have a hard time understanding
what it means to be lonely. The
community may see an active shul member with a high powered profession and wonder
how such a person can be lonely. The community is totally not tuned or sensitized to the need
for companionship and partnership. The
community has a hard time comprehending the concept of a lonely person.
This is not
just a sheduch (matchmaking) problem.
Not all lonely people want a spouse. A spouse may help some people not
feel lonely, but not everyone. Some married people are lonely. By tuning out singles and other lonely people
we are not achieving the goals to make this a community.
A shul dinner or
luncheon whether it is on Shabbat or a gala fund raiser is very often a coupled
or a family event. A few months ago the
local yeshiva had a Shabbat luncheon. No one made any efforts to make sure people were not alone.
Perhaps many singles did not attend because they thought they would be
uncomfortable? No one made an effort to
introduce people to new people. How much extra effect would it take to add a
line to the publicity encouraging singles and people new to the community to
join the event? Some people, who are
“sticks in the mud,” need encouragement.
Some people probably eat alone because of a real or imagined feeling
that they would not be welcome.
Academic
studies of loneliness.
What is
loneliness? Loneliness is not the same
as being alone. Everyone needs alone
time as well as time to interact with others.
Some tasks are best done alone; some are best in a group. Loneliness is
the pain experienced because of the inability to have a relation with another
human being. The feeling is subjective.
A person could have a feeling of loneliness and be surrounded by lots of
people and feel lonely. Part of the reason people like to go to events as a couple
is so that they have at least one other person they are relate to and socialize
with. If the people at the event are boring
or hard to talk to, at least one has a date or partner to support them. Being
with people (or socializing) is a basic need of everyone. The symptoms of loneliness cannot be
described in precise clinical terms. One
person in solitary confinement could be lonely and another not. An elderly person confined to his/her home
may find social interaction via electronic connections such as phone, social
media, or email or via print and recorded media and never feel lonely. You cannot say, “He is lonely” without the
person’s confirmation. Loneliness is a
kind of detachment when you want to have meaningful connections.
Loneliness has
been linked to many kinds of social and health problems (Russel p. 472) such
alcoholism, suicide, and overuse of the health care system. J. Alspach
in "Loneliness and Social Isolation” on page 9 summarizes all the health
problems that researchers have associated with loneliness. It is to the community’s advantage to help its
members be less lonely. Loneliness is
hard to study from an experimental perspective because the experimenters can
not create situations that have controls are variables. The moment someone know it is a study, s/he
is not alone. If the experimenters are
present, the subjects are no longer alone.
Studies are based on self-reporting, interviews, stories, and informal observations. Even with the UCLA loneliness scale (Russel
p. 475), getting a precise measure of loneliness is difficult.
Perhaps another
way to explain loneliness to explain what a meaningful relationship is and
define loneliness as the desire to have a meaningful relationship? These characteristics fit a spousal or other
committed relationship and also fit a friendship. We seek someone who can actively listen and
share their thoughts, someone to share a smile, someone to appreciate us and
our effort to help them, someone who will be there in a time of need, and
someone who will hold our hand when it needs a human touch. Sometimes the relationship can be a handshake
and the exchange of a few pleasantries at a social event like a kiddish. The sincere greeting and handshake may be
what the person needs at the moment. Sometimes people need to share inner
feelings and thoughts for many minutes or hours.
When someone
has a long workday and comes home to an empty home, they could feel
lonely. They have no one to share the
events of the day and make them feel better. There is no one to share their day
with. They have no one “on their team” at home no matter what happened in the
day. This may be perfectly fine if the person is getting some of what they need
in meaningful relationships in their work.
However, there are some feelings that just can’t be expressed to
co-workers.
---to be continued --
Hobson, Robert
F. "Loneliness." Journal of Analytical Psychology 1974 19.1: pages 71-89. Psychology and
Behavioral Sciences Collection.
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