This is a version of the speech I
gave at the Shabbat lunch on Dec. 4, 2021, the day before we got married.
Davar Torah for Shabbat lunch
This is the season we discuss miracles. We discuss the miracles Hanukkah. During Hanukkah we add al hanisim to
the shemonah esrei and birkhat hamazon, which talks about the
miracles of the few against the many and the concept of the Jewish army
overcoming the Greek culture. This was war
against foreign influence and a civil war.
Remember the first person that Mattathias
killed was a Jew (see Maccabees 2:23-27).
The King’s command was to force the Jews to forsake their
forefathers. They wanted Mattathias to
set an example by offering a sacrifice in public, he refused. A Jew went up and said that he would offer
the sacrifice. Mattathias killed him and
the king’s men.
When the war was over, we have the story of the miracle of the oil lasting eight days. These are the miracles of Hanukkah that became part of out history and cultural memory.
What do I mean by miracles? Miracles do not break the laws of nature; miracles do not ignore the laws of physics. Miracles defy random chance. Time and place create opportunities. It is a miracle when two people meet and the time is right for a relationship. It is a miracle when they can learn to love each other even though they live in two different cities. When God creates the opportunities and tools, people need to take chances to make their lives and the people around them better. To make a relationship work they need to give up a piece of themselves for a greater good. The miracle of meeting and becoming a couple is a time to celebrate and the entire family and community are part of the miracle. One needs friends, family and community.
The letters on the dreidel that
tell us the miracle happened “there.” נס גדול היה שם are wrong. The miracle is here and now.
נס
גדול היה פה
נס
גדול היה פה
God just made a wall fall down!
[Song was sung for the people at
the luncheon. There are two minor changes from the original.]
Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles- God took a Daniel once again,
Stood by his and side and-
miracle of miracles-
Walked him through the lions’
den!
Wonder of wonders, נס גדול היה פה
I was afraid that God would
frown, that was a miracle.
When God made the waters of the Red
Sea part, that was a miracle too!
But of all God's miracles large
and small,
The most miraculous one of all
Is that out of a worthless lump
of clay,
God has made a man today.
Wonder of wonders, נס גדול היה פה-
God took a safran by the
hand
Turned him around and- miracle of
miracles- Led him to the promised land!
When David slew Goliath (yes!),
that was a miracle.
When God gave us manna in the
wilderness, that was a miracle too.
But of all God's miracles large
and small,
The most miraculous one of all
Is the one I thought could never
be:
God has given you to me. [1]
How do we know that God has been
busy making couples? How do we know that God sets the time and place for
couples to meet? Here is a quote from
Targum Jonathan
Targum Jonathan on Deuteronomy 32:4 [2]
אָמַר משֶׁה נְבִיָא כַּד סְלֵיקַת
לְטַוְורָא דְסִינַי חָמִית רִבּוֹן כָּל עָלְמַיָא יְיָ מְרַבַּע יוֹמָא
לְאַרְבָּעָא חוּלְקִין תְּלַת שָׁעִין עָסִיק בְּאוֹרַיְיתָא וּתְלַת עָסִיק
בְּדִינָא וּתְלַת מְכַרְזֵג בֵּין גְבַר לְאִיתָא וּגְזַר לִמְרוֹמָם וּמָאִיךְ
וּתְלַת מְפַרְנֵס כָּל בִּרְיָיתָא דְהָכִין כְּתִיב תַּקִיף דְשַׁלְמִין עוֹבָדוֹי
אֲרוּם כָּל אָרְחָתוֹי דִינָא אֱלָהָא מְהֵימְנָא דְמִן קֳדָמוֹי עַוְלָא לָא
נָפִיק דְזַכַּאי וְקָשִׁיט הוּא
Moses, the prophet said: When I ascended the Mount Sinai,
I saw the Lord of all the world divide the day into four parts: three hours
occupied with Torah, three hours occupied with judgment, three hours providing
for all the world, and three hours matching between men and women...
From
the Talmud
א"ר שמואל בר רב יצחק כי הוא פתח ריש לקיש בסוטה אמר הכי אין מזווגין לו לאדם אשה אלא לפי מעשיו שנא' (תהלים קכה, ג) כי לא ינוח שבט הרשע על גורל הצדיקים אמר רבה בר בר חנה אמר ר' יוחנן וקשין לזווגן כקריעת ים סוף, שנאמר (תהלים סח, ז) אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה מוציא אסירים בכושרות איני והא אמר רב יהודה אמר רב ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני בית פלוני לפלוני שדה פלוני לפלוני לא קשיא הא בזוג ראשון הא בזוג שני
Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzḥak says...Heaven matches a woman to a man only according to his actions, as it is stated: “For the rod of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous” (Psalms 125:3). Rabba bar Bar Ḥana says that Rabbi Yoḥanan says: And it is as difficult to match a couple together as was the splitting of the Red Sea...
Is that so that partners are matched according to one's actions? But Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: Forty days before an embryo is formed a Divine Voice issue forth and says: The daughter of so-and-so is destined to marry so-and-so; such and such a house is destined to be inhabited by so-and-so; such and such a field is destined to be farmed by so-and-so.
This
distinction of views is not difficult. This statement that Rav Yehuda says in
the name of Rav is with regard to a first match [zivug], while this
statement of Rabba bar bar Ḥana in the name of Rabbi Yoḥanan is with regard to
a second match.
The following is adapted from an article about
the lessons of marriage from the life of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.
A young businessman, Yoel was suggested to Yehudit,
an educator, as a suitable marriage partner. They met a few times and Yehudit
was unsure as to if they were soul mates. Yehudit arranged for a meeting with
the Rebbe. He asked her, “Do you like
this man?” This was an ordinary question
in attempt to encourage Yehudit to talk about her feelings toward Yoel. Yehudit
answered that she had the same basic love as one is supposed to have for a
fellow Jew. The Rebbe replied that one must have much more than a basic love
before making a lifelong relationship. Yehudit ended the relationship.
The definition of love does not come from
romantic movie or novel. Love is not the
overwhelming, blinding emotion we find in the world of fiction. Real love is an
emotion that intensifies throughout life. Small, everyday acts make love
flourish or could ruin the relationship. Love is built on the sharing, caring,
and respecting one another. Love is the actions that building a life together,
a family and a home. As two lives unite to form one, over time, there is a
point where each partner feels they are a part of the other, where each partner
can no longer visualize life without the other.
Sharing means being part of each other’s life including
the physical, emotional, and logistical.
Sharing with one’s spouse goes beyond time and resources; it means
sharing an identity and destiny. Sharing mean sometimes you must do things that
are difficult (such as cleaning up a mess) and sometimes the sharing increases
the pleasure beyond what one can do alone.
Caring is a respect for the wellbeing of your partner. Even when not together in the same room the couple is thinking about the other. Respect that even though you are couple, you are also two individuals. The husband and wife should go to extraordinary lengths to ensure that the other should never experience anxiety or worry over their welfare.
Powerful tools are only as good
as the people who use them. Since the
invention of language, we have a systematic way to communicate. Carol and I have been using electronic tools for
our communication through most of time we have known each other. Now we enter a new phase. Everyone who knows us has given us a special bracha
that we shall live together as one in peace and harmony. There are three pieces that come together in
a marriage you, me and ha-kodesh baruchu. Three pieces that insure we will have a place
to sit, a place to stand, and a part in the community.
נס
גדול היה פה
All of you are part of the
ongoing miracle. May we grow in wisdom.
Thank you for joining us and may we celebrate peace, understanding, and simahot together
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